In the expat community, we are familiar with Sarah Turnball’s quote, “It is a bitter-sweet thing, knowing two cultures. Once you leave your birthplace nothing is ever the same.'' After moving to another culture, there is no returning to the former self. You become a different person than you were before stepping on the plane. 

But for our loved ones who have never lived outside their passport country, there is another popular saying: You don’t know what you don’t know. There is zero possible way for our friends and families to understand the complexities of how we changed, and who we are becoming as we grow into our new life as an expat without clear communication. We must be willing to share with them honestly.  

I am leaning into my enneagram eight-ness and sharing ten things I want my loved ones to know about me. This list isn’t all-encompassing or exhaustive, but you’ll likely relate and feel more understood through this list. My hope is you can feel comfortable enough to at least start conversations with family and friends that will help you grow in your relationships and help them empathize with the expat experience.

1. My political views are different now.

My values haven’t changed, but rather, they have expanded. My worldview is larger. I see the bigger picture of how America fits into the global world. I have eaten dinner with people who have a different faith, ethnicity, and nationality than me. I am the privileged minority. It has changed who I am and how I process information and current events. I’m not trying to be outrageous or cause an argument, I just have a hard time checking a political box.

2. I would like it if we communicated more.

I know, I know, communication goes both ways. I know the time zones are confusing and you worry about waking me up or bothering me. The longer I’m gone the less I am contacted (and the less I have done the contacting). There are few friends in my passport country who are aware of my daily life. There are very few who ask me about my personal quiet times or how I’m dealing with my son’s disability or my teenagers’ angst. Sure, you may follow me on social media. You may read our newsletter (not that I would know, because very few people respond). I get it. Out of sight, out of mind. But you were my cheerleader, my best friend, my prayer warrior, and my chief supporter in the beginning, and now I just feel forgotten. Let’s do better. I want to do better! Will you try, too?

3. My kids do not consider their passport country “home.”

I spent several years of my childhood overseas and we moved a lot because of my dad’s military career. Every time we went to Indiana to visit my grandmother, she always told me how good it was for me to be home. I had never once lived in Indiana and sometimes I would go years before visiting. I still to this day don’t know what she thought of my rebuff to this strange town in rural Indiana not being my home. Like me, my children’s origin story is not in the place their families call home. When you ask them if they are glad to be back, please don’t be offended when they say, “no.” This isn’t personal, it is just the way of the Third Culture Kid.

4. I’m patriotic.

I love America. Living overseas has opened my eyes to many privileges being from the U.S.A. has afforded me (i.e. good health care and an amazing education). My strong blue passport can get me into almost any country. But I have taken off the rose-colored glasses when it comes to my beloved home culture. I can criticize her and still appreciate her. I didn’t mean to forget to teach my kids the Pledge of Allegiance. I still root for the U.S.A. in the Olympics and World Cup. I just have a few other countries that I cheer for also. I might not wear a red, white, and blue bathing suit, but I am still very much American.

5. Traditional Western church is challenging for me

I love Jesus. I love the body of believers. But I often feel frustrated when attending church in my passport country. So much is done and so much money is spent to bring people into the four walls of concrete and plaster. I have spent years living out of those constructs and truly believe the work of believers should happen in the community and the world. So, programs often frustrate me. The segregation of kids and parents during worship feels odd. I am irritated by the squabbles and the cultural wars happening among God’s people. I often feel like an outsider looking in. The best way to describe it is round peg, square hole. 

 6. Life is extremely stressful overseas.

I don’t want to complain, but I’m going to for just a few minutes.

I homeschool my kids. I don’t even want to homeschool them. I must order all supplies and curriculums months in advance to get here on time. I must shop in person or order food from five different stores to cook one meal…from scratch. My hot water has been out in our bathroom for months and we have had countless repair people come to try to fix the leak in our upstairs toilet that is dripping nasty stuff downstairs. My husband carries the weight of the whole world on his shoulders. Some weeks we feel like we work 24/7 and usually, we have no idea if what we are doing is making a difference. It is all so ambiguous. Vacations are expensive and so are six kids. How do my kids stack up to kids in our passport country? Are college funds a thing? Did I just offend my neighbor by saying the wrong word in the wrong way? Rats keep eating the electric cords to our kitchen appliances. Why?! Let’s not talk about the flies and the mosquitos. Visa issues are always right around the corner. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.

7. I don’t want to move back. Please stop asking.

Despite the small snapshot of stress, shared in my previous point, I love living here. Please stop saying things like, “maybe you need to move back here.” I want to trust you with my weaknesses and occasional moments of venting. Do you contemplate packing up everything and moving when you feel stressed out? I doubt it. That isn’t a healthy way to deal.

I have a deep affection for my expat community and the national brothers and sisters. I greatly enjoy the people, rich culture, oceans, food, travel, and the slower pace of life. It’s satisfying to speak in my second language and to see my children thrive and develop a wide worldview. I love living my life differently than the average American. This is my home and where I want to be— even on days when this isn’t where I want to be. It’s complicated.

8. I think you should come to visit.

Is it expensive? Yes. Is jet lag going to make your life a little miserable? Definitely. Were we the ones who chose to move abroad? Yup. But I still think you should come. If you want to understand this list and know me better, the best way is by visiting. To walk in my shoes realistically and not just figuratively, can only help our relationship. My kids will love their passport country more by having visitors from that country be interested in their life here. Even if you must save and sacrifice. Even if you hate riding on an airplane (hey, we have something in common). Even if culture shock will ruin you and you dislike foreign food. It will be worth it. There is nothing more you can do to show us how much you love us than by visiting us and allowing us to show you our world and home. Just come!

9. Faith is not always black and white.

When I first moved overseas, I had it all figured out. I had been trained. I had listened to countless speakers. I was taught a strategy. A statement of faith. I immersed myself in the stories of the heroes of the faith. I was in a faith bubble where everyone looked the same and thought the same and worshiped the same. Plans were made. But seeing said plans blow up and burn like dust at one’s feet has a way of humbling a person. I have prayed alongside those with different theological views. I have watched as friends implemented strategies I had once scoffed at with pure hearts and open hands. Cultures interpret scripture in different ways and have parts that they emphasize more than others. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes they get it right. I know two things: God always gets it right and God doesn’t work the same way in every place, culture, and context.

10. I am grateful for you.

Even though you may not completely understand me anymore, and I have changed a whole bunch, I still love you. I’m so thankful for you being part of my life and I want you to know, I miss you. Though the distance is far and our worldviews may be different now, you still are my people! Thank you for being part of my life.