The Sudden Loss of Goodbyes
Yesterday I made pumpkin bread with frozen pumpkin puree that a friend had made from scratch and tucked away, intending to use herself. Today I made pot roast for dinner with beef from their freezer. These friends had to make the abrupt decision to leave their home in Rwanda due to medical reasons. Even though the airport closed last week, some embassies worked to figure out a handful more flights out this week. So, these friends took the last-minute opportunity, packed up their home and two small children in a matter of days, texted out the contents of their freezer and pantry to those of us who lived in the neighborhood to come pick up, and—a few hours later—were headed to the airport, unsure of how many months it will be until they can return.
Every single one of us is feeling the effects of COVID-19’s mad dash around the globe. Our events and trips have been canceled, and our kids are at home playing underfoot while we try to figure out how to turn our jobs into online work. Many of us still in our host countries are watching from a distance as chaos ensues in our home countries. On top of that, airports are closing, causing us to worry about not being able to do anything if something should happen to our family members who are there.
In the expat communities, there’s the other significant layer of tragedy I mentioned already: the sudden, harried departure of so many friends. Some of these friends were already scheduled to move in the summer, but took their chance to fly out earlier while they still could. Some had medical reasons to go or work with organizations that dictated they must leave. There are countless other variables in each person’s life. Maybe you are one of the numbers who had to go. Maybe you are one of the numbers who had to stay.
As someone who is staying, I can’t imagine the stress of pulling it off:
The surreal decision followed by the stressful uncertainty of whether you can actually get a flight before the airports close.
The months of sorting, selling and packing you were planning for winnowed down to 48 hours.
The pile of trunks and car seats at the airport alongside hundreds of other frantic travelers.
And, heartbreakingly, the lack of goodbyes, lack of hugs, lack of closure.
As if all of this weren’t enough heaviness, there’s the uncertainty of not knowing how long you’ll be gone from your home. There’s the scrambling to figure out where you’ll quarantine on arrival, where you’ll stay the weeks and months following that—and that’s just the practical logistics of it.
Speaking on behalf of those watching you take this on: we feel the sudden loss of your family and your friendship in our community. We were gearing up for goodbye season—the parties, the yard sales, the opportunity to verbally affirm and celebrate your role here—and we didn’t even get to hug you goodbye.
All of this is loss.
I’ve seen an article floating around Facebook from the Harvard Business Review: “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.” Ah yes—grief. The article is good, but those of us living this overseas life know the feeling all-too-well already. We’ve all said goodbye to important people and places. We’ve helped our kid navigate their best friend moving away at the end of the school year. We’ve packed up our own home into trunks and suitcases, some of us many times over. We’ve managed and we’ve coped. We’ve been taught the stages of transition and encouraged to build our RAFTs. We’ve been told how important it is to actually take the time to say goodbye to people, places, and pets.
But in the chaos of a pandemic, even those things have been stripped away from us. These losses are real, and this is hard.
All of this is unprecedented. And as an ordinary human being who is figuring this out alongside you, I can’t pretend to come to this with any advice or tips—there’s no “Three Steps for How to Handle Half Your Community Including Your Best Friend Packing up and Moving in Two Days When You Thought You Had Three Months Left Together.” Nor is there a “Five Tips for Explaining to Your Children, Yet Again, That They Can’t See Their Friend Anymore, All While Quarantining!”
But in lieu of advice, what I would like to offer is a place to share your stories. I’d love to hear how you are handling things: what has been helpful and what has been hard?
As we rightfully grieve losing out on our goodbyes and our expected transitions on top of everything else that we’ve had to give up, may this be a space where we can rest a bit and share that burden, knowing that we are being heard by others who understand.
Together, as a global community of expat women, we are all walking down a similar uncharted path. Together we can begin drawing the map we need to navigate it.