The Benefit of a Good Cry

January 9, 2020 Christie Chu

No matter how long you've lived there, the stress of figuring out life in a different country can feel overwhelming.

Go ahead and have a cry. It's actually good for you.

Every expat knows times of stress, whether that stress is physical or emotional. Transition times are frustrating, finding an unwelcome creature in your house is frightening, and dealing with unwanted attention while out and about makes your body pulse with tension.

Our bodies are wired to deal with stress physically, and if you don't "complete the stress cycle, “ your body continues to function as though you're being threatened. (Think wild animal chasing you—the running to safety is what "completes" the cycle, sending your body a signal that you're safe and allowing it to come back from fight-or-flight mode.)

I'd been frazzled with staying in a hotel room for weeks while waiting for our new apartment. Our family's been living on top of each other, without a solid routine. I flinched at every loud thump from my kids jumping around in the room or when they yelled during a sibling spat. Reminding them that people in other rooms could be sleeping (or that it was host-country imposed "quiet time hours") didn't make much of an impression on our three kids.

Last week, while enduring our sixth week of hotel-room life and waiting for an indefinite-but-hopefully-soon moving day, I got another dose of stress: My husband, who was leaving for a work trip, brought home the news that our apartment would take another couple of weeks—again, no definite date—to be ready.

One small hotel room + three kids + pregnancy + bad diet due to limited cooking resources + NO REAL INFORMATION = the need for an all-outcry session.

And in a hotel room, there's nowhere to hide, really. I did consider sneaking into the bathroom or trying my best to hold it in so I wouldn't freak out the kids, but I remembered that it can be helpful for TCKs to see that the adults struggle with moving, too. So, instead, I just put my head down and let it happen.

After a while the kids came over to comfort me, and when they did I told them that moving is hard. It's hard for kids and it's hard for parents, too, and sometimes we need to cry. We talked about things we miss and things we are excited about for our new place. We made a list of things we liked about being in the hotel, and what we don't like.

I realized at last that I did feel better. Not just mentally, but physically. Tension I'd been holding in my shoulders had eased, and I noticed that I felt more relaxed than I had in days. The situation hadn't changed, but I had. Even with red-rimmed eyes and a splotchy face, I felt much better.

I had completed the stress cycle.

We all need a catharsis from time to time. Living abroad comes with lots of stress, in overt or subtle forms, like having to file confusing paperwork on a tight deadline or spending the day operating in a second language. It's all taxing. It can be tempting to "just grin and bear it" for the sake of those around you, but it's good for your body to release that stress.

That night, when I tucked one of my little guys in, he told me his stomach hurt and that he was feeling homesick. I hugged him and told him the same thing I'd told myself earlier:

"Go ahead and cry if you need to. It really will help you feel better."

If you're interested in other ways to "complete the stress cycle," including breathing techniques or the six-second kiss, check out this article with several helpful suggestions from the authors of Burnout: The Secret to Solving the Stress Cycle.

How do you deal with the stress of living abroad? When was the last time you had a good cry?