Am I Doing Enough: Expat Motherhood and Ministry with Littles
“My days were filled with meal preparation, bath time, and feelings of failure. I had so many hopes, dreams, and aspirations for what life would look like as a third culture family with purpose. I barely made it out of the door of our home, let alone out of the neighborhood.”
A question was brought up on our Instagram page a few months ago. A young mother asked how to have an active ministry with a two-year-old and a four-year-old. This question brought up a lot of memories and past emotions.
My third child turned thirteen last week. She was my first baby born overseas during my language school year. I think back to that first year pregnant, with two children (ages one and two)—and it’s all a little foggy. We went on to add the fourth kid a year and half after the third. My days were filled with meal preparation, bath time, and feelings of failure. I had so many hopes, dreams, and aspirations for what a life filled with purpose would look like as a third culture family. I barely made it out of the door of our home, let alone out of the neighborhood.
As I thought about our community member’s questions, I have the advantage of looking back to those early years with the clarity of hindsight. I can say with confidence, I didn’t do as bad as I thought. I succeeded at being active as a cross-cultural worker, even though I struggled believing it when I was in the thick of it.
If you are struggling and feeling like you’re spinning your wheels with your small ones at home, I would like to lead you through a little exercise to gain perspective and make action steps towards freedom and victory in this busy season of your life.
1.Define what “active” cross-culture work look like to you.
This is the first question I ask young moms because this sets the stage for processing through becoming active in cross-culture work. There is a lot of pressure—whether self-imposed, familial expectations, or organizational demands. But what does this mean to you? Does “active” mean once a week or daily involvement in something? Does it look like helping administratively? Are you part-time or full-time? Are you wanting to be out and about or do you want to do a lot of your work/ministry from within your home?
We all come with different aspirations. What are yours?
2.Think about and write down what you are doing in your daily life.
We don’t give ourselves enough credit for our daily activities. I mean, yes, being a mom and wife is a ministry in and of itself—and it is very, very ACTIVE. I struggled in the early years with thoughts of frustration. The truth was (and is) I could wipe baby bottoms and wipe faces in the U.S. with central air-conditioning, Costco, grandma, and a church nursery. I was wrestled with emotions of feeling all on my own. My home culture support system was stripped away, and I felt raw with grief. I was especially worn down during the active toddler and preschool stages when kids are demanding and talkative with all their opinions and preferences.
But when I thought about it, I was doing a lot in my life that classified as ministry—the conversations I had with my neighbors, babysitting for my expat friends, talking about the Lord with my house helper, having people over for dinner, and having an open, welcoming home.
Write it down so you get a clear picture of all the activities you are doing.
3. Come to terms with this truth: life is seasonal.
Those early years…talk about treading water. I look back and wonder, how did I survive? Seriously, being a mom is hard. Being a mom cross-culturally is extremely hard. Just talking to a neighbor in your second language is hard. Having a three-year-old ask for a snack four times in that three-minute conversation makes it all feel excruciatingly impossible.
My season right now is highly active. I've lived overseas for almost fifteen years, my youngest is seven and my oldest is sixteen. Times are different, but I still struggle with wondering if I’m doing enough or if I’m doing the right things. Am I putting my time toward the things people expect me to? It never ends. Self-doubt and insecurity does not leave as your children age.
Embrace this season and don’t wish it away.
4. Be Reasonable and Creative.
Maybe after you write it all down you realize, “hey, I’m doing okay.” I’m an active mother. Or maybe you want to be more intentional.
Maybe you can add a morning craft day for your neighbors and their children. Maybe you can cook dinner once a week for another family in town. Maybe you can look at your prayer life and strategize about the ministry of prayer. Maybe you want to start a blog to encourage other moms like you during this season—that’s how this very blog came about. Taking Route was built during the fringe hours of nap-times and bedtimes back when my kids were under the age of eight.
Be reasonable and creative with what you can do with the littles around.
5. Lastly, ask for help, especially from your husband!
My husband homeschools the kids and handles all things on Friday morning through lunch (and sometimes later) for almost the whole time we have lived in Southeast Asia. I have that enneagram eight personality that was shriveling and dying staying home and not having any freedom and autonomy outside of my family.
There was never pressure for what I chose to do during this time or what “ministry” I would do. It gave me space for myself to recharge and reclaim a little of myself that I gave away, day after day, for my family and to living cross-culturally.
While it’s becoming more normalized, many families forget to consider the option of sharing/switching up responsibilities. Usually men are the ones who have a clear-cut role/job outside of the home and the women take on duties like homeschooling. And if that dynamic still works for your family, awesome! However, switching up or sharing responsibilities is something to consider if you find yourself at the end of your rope nearly every day. You might have peers or supervisors scoff at the idea of reversing roles (even if for only 1-2 days a week)—but hey, it helped me to find balance and to actually desire to be more active and involved.
Longevity is key. Don’t go back to your home country from burn-out because you never considered if there was a different way to do things. Another bonus is that my husband remained active with my kids and knows what’s going on with their schooling. It’s a win-win. Maybe you can’t do exactly what I do, but this is my challenge to have a conversation about it. Let others know you want to be more active and make a plan that works for your family.
You cannot do it all.
Repeat after me: “I cannot do it all.”
If you have completed this exercise, one of two things have happened:
1) You are letting yourself off the “I don’t do enough” train and you’ve boarded the “this season I am doing all I can do and that is okay” train.
OR
2) You have had conversations with the community around you and are moving toward a few self-developed goals that will help you be more active in ministry.
Either way, please be gentle on yourself. You are only human. Guilt gives you zero power to do the things the Father is calling you to do. Those precious children in your care will love you because you are their mom—not because of what you do or don’t do outside the walls of your home. They could not care less if your name is ever on a cross-cultural hall of fame (of course, if you do end up there, they’ll be amazingly proud).