Three Ways to Combat Expat Doubt
“Doubt is a familiar companion of the expat. We hold questions in our minds and decisions in our hands that people who live in their passport country their whole lives never have to wrestle with.”
When I packed our suitcases to move overseas for the first time, carefully checking each piece multiple times to make sure it was just the right weight, I had no idea that a silent stowaway had crept in that would rear it’s ugly head time and time again once we got to our host country:
DOUBT.
I didn’t intend to bring doubt with me. My books and spices and favorite shampoo? Yes. But doubt was not on the itemized packing list that I faithfully checked and double checked and duck taped to the top of each trunk so I could easily know what was inside. I planned well for medical emergencies and growing kids and chocolate chip cookies, but doubt wasn’t something I realized could slip past the ticket counter and follow me all the way across the ocean.
Yet here I was in our new-yet-foreign home and before I even unpacked one bag, doubt had already made its presence known.
Did we make a mistake?
Can we really do this?
What have I done bringing my kids here?
Are we crazy?
It’s been almost five years since our maiden voyage to our host country, and I wish I could tell you that I figured out a way to box up doubt and ship it right back over the ocean but the reality is, I still battle this unwelcome travel companion more often than I’d like to admit. Its voice isn’t quite as loud as it was in those first few days, but from time to time, something will happen that shakes us up and doubt is right there ready to pounce.
Your family at home needs you.
You’re not making a difference.
You’d be better off in America.
Since the beginning of this year our family has dealt with some unexpected diagnoses that have to do with the way some of our kids learn and process things. This new information has caused us to wrestle with doubt once again. Did we make a mistake coming here? Are we making their struggles worse? Shortly after that, Covid 19 changed everything and we wrestled through our decision to stay put in our host country. Should we have left? What if someone gets sick? Now our passport country is in turmoil as injustice and racism has been brought to the forefront of everyone’s minds. Are we too far away to make difference? Can we even help from here?
Doubt is a familiar companion of the expat. We hold questions in our minds and decisions in our hands that people who live in their passport country their whole lives never have to wrestle with. And with the gravity of those decisions comes the inevitable plague of doubt, especially when things don’t go the way we planned.
So how do we overcome doubt? How do we confidently navigate this journey, even when life feels topsy-turvy? I’d like to offer three simple but powerful ways to combat expat doubt:
Sleep on it
I mentioned that the very first day we arrived in our host country I was already wrestling with doubt. Once we got settled in our hotel room and tried to get some sleep, my mind was exploding with worry, fear, and doubt. Amazingly enough, after a full night’s sleep, my thoughts were 100% clearer. My husband always says, “When fatigue walks in, faith walks out.” If you think about it, oftentimes when we start to doubt things, we are actually just worn out. In expat life, even the simplest of things can be exhausting! But if we recognize our fatigue and allow ourselves to get some solid sleep, many times the doubt will just melt away as our ability to think rationally returns to our well-rested brains. Turn off the devices, close the curtains, and let your mind re-set as you rest.
Say it out loud
Oftentimes the doubt and worry rolling around in my brain is based on my emotions and not on facts. A tried and true way to determine this is to find a safe person (or group of people) and say what you’re feeling and thinking out loud. There is something about confessing your worries and fears out loud that releases their power over us. Sometimes as soon as the words leave my lips, I realize how silly I’m being. And sometimes, when I share my doubt with a trusted friend, they affirm me and help me see that perhaps my concerns are justified. Several times in the past 6 months as I’ve vocalized doubts I was having, people have said, “What you’re going through is really hard.” They didn’t necessarily offer answers or advice, but the comforting reassurance that I’m not crazy and this IS hard helped me think more clearly about our situation.
Remember why you came
On days when I doubt why we’re here or our effectiveness in the work we are doing, I remember why we came. There is something holy about the act of remembering. Over and over again in the Scriptures, the children of God were instructed to do something “in remembrance.” I look back over old journal entries or blog posts I wrote, remember obstacles we overcame to get here, talk with our kids about how God has come through for us, and think of the excitement and passion that first fueled us in our journey abroad. Remembering our “why” helps us to cling to the unshakeable One who drew our hearts here in the first place. Sometimes this crazy life has me looking around asking, “How did we get here?” Remembering the miracles we have been witness to along the way helps drive away the dust of doubt so I can see clearly again.
Perhaps the current events of our world or the weight of your own personal battles have had you wrestling with more doubt than usual about cross-cultural life. What else do you do to combat expat doubt? Share your ideas and methods in the comments below!
