Finding Patience with the Negative Expat
“On several occasions I've gotten frustrated over a fellow expatriate's negativity, only to find out there were painful contributing factors that I hadn't been aware of.”
A week or so after arriving in Armenia, I ventured out to a local zoo to meet up with some other expat parents and their kids. By the time we got to the zoo, my head was spinning from trying to call for a ride, communicate with the taxi driver, and hold onto all three of my kids in the back—without seat-belts—while the driver dodged wildly around other vehicles, and even backed up on a busy road after missing a turn. But we arrived safely, so I counted it a success.
I was thrilled to be out of the taxi, and ready to meet some new friends.
As our kids ran from one exhibit to the next, I chatted with two other expat mothers. They'd both been living in Armenia for a couple of years.
"Do you like living here?" I asked them.
"Oh yes!" one enthused. "We love it. It's so family-friendly, and the food is fantastic. I'm sad we're leaving this fall."
"I hate it," the other mom said. "I can't wait to get out of here."
I was surprised at her blunt negativity.
The women were friends, had been in country for the same amount of time, and were both stay-at-home moms. But their experiences of expat life were vastly different.
As I got to know them both better I learned about underlying issues that had impacted their perspectives on living overseas—issues that actually had almost nothing to do with Armenia itself.
The unhappy expat was half a world away from her mother, who'd been given a difficult medical diagnosis. When I met her, she'd recently returned from a visit and wouldn't get to see her mom again for at least another year. The worry she felt over her mother's health was like a little black rain-cloud over her experience of life abroad. In addition, she'd had to take a break from her career to live abroad.
This life wasn't one that she'd chosen, she didn't like it, and she didn't care who knew it.
On several occasions I've gotten frustrated over a fellow expatriate's negativity, only to find out there were painful contributing factors that I hadn't been aware of. Now when I meet a struggling expat, I ask about their personal experiences and try to remember we're not all in the same situation, even though we're in the same country (though to be honest, it's still exhausting for me to engage with someone who is consistently pessimistic).
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Amid all the concern of COVID-19 and the difficulties of quarantining at home, it's easy to forget that expats living in the same host country can have different perspectives on the lockdowns and stay-at-home orders, too, just as they would in their home countries.
I have an expat neighbor who, though our playgrounds are still officially closed, has decided she is "over" the quarantine measures. She sends her kids outside to play on the empty playground while the rest of the neighborhood struggles to keep their kids following the rules.
We can see her kids on the playground from our window, and when my kids ask excitedly if they're allowed on the playground again too, I get angry. I want to call her up and remind her to follow the rules. I want her to know she is making my job as a mom harder, and making the expat community look bad.
But I also want to keep the friendship.
I don't know this neighbor's full story. I don't know what's going on inside her home or inside her head.
The memory of that visit to the zoo comes to mind. I remember learning that the woman I'd thought just had a bad attitude really hated being so far away when her mother needed her. I also remember her saying before she moved that while she was thrilled to be heading back home, she had made some of her best friends abroad, and having them for support helped her make it through.
It's possible my neighbor has a sick family member she can't get home to right now, and just needs a few minutes alone to grieve that situation. Maybe the playground gives her that time. I don't know.
I do know that I can call her and yell about her breaking the rules, or I can call to ask how she's doing. And my decision can have a lasting impact on her expat experience—for positive or negative.
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How is your expat community doing with the local pandemic response? What relationships or routines are helping you the most in this time?
