Stalled in Expat Survival Mode
Give yourself grace to operate in survival mode and don't feel guilty if that's where you need to be right now.
When you're ready, consider if you've camped out in survival mode. What does crisis mode look like for you? What would operating in a healthy routine during this time look like?
When you experience a major life change (moving to a new country, starting a new job, having a baby, etc.), it’s natural to shift into survival mode. For many expats, significant changes occur together, so survival mode is a given during those seasons.
But what happens when you stall and get stuck there?
A few months ago, I realized survival mode had become my daily reality.
I felt the problem first: detachment, frustration, exhaustion. Recognizing those feelings got my attention, and then I noticed other warning signs.
For me, getting stuck in a "survival" mindset looks like:
Leaving everything until it HAS to get done. Or even waiting until the deadline has passed.
Giving my kids lots of screen time because I don't want to deal with whining.
Stealing "rest time" when I need to be doing something else.
Sneaking chocolate—there's nothing shameful about enjoying a treat, but if I'm eating it standing up in the kitchen hoping the kids don't walk in, I know I’m in the wrong head-space.
Trying to multitask so much I leave many things half-finished.
Paralyzing indecisiveness: even "easy" decisions—such as what to make for dinner—become problems, because instead of making them I procrastinate.
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When I realized the problem the first time, I was seven months post-moving to a new country and four months post-partum. Hormones and the fourth-trimester funk are real, but so are bad habits. I'd allowed many to flourish over the past year, telling myself that "once the unpacking is done, I'll stop buying so many convenience foods" or "once the baby is born, I'll get the house organized." But I kept finding another reason to wait: holidays, guests, travel plans.
But waiting for perfect conditions to get un-stuck means I could spend forever simply surviving.
I don't want that. Living my life with intention is important to me. I want to raise my kids, strengthen my marriage, and help others intentionally—no matter where I live, how many kids I have, or what the world looks like.
So I made a list of what it looks like when I am not living in survival mode:
I am proactive. I wake up early to get myself ready for the day, not letting it take me by surprise. I complete tasks on time.
I list everything. I make a specific list of things to accomplish each day, and it's amazing how much more I do because it's written on paper instead of in my head. I list quick, healthy snack choices we have on hand so I don't grab sugary junk just because it's there. (And I don't hide out while eating it!) I have a list of activities and chores for kids, so when they ask for screen time I'm prepared with alternate suggestions. Kids who fuss pick from the chore list.
I tell myself and everyone else what happens next out loud. "Next, I'm going to start dinner, so I'll need the table set in 30 minutes. After dinner we'll take baths and showers." Saying it out loud helps me feel in control and encourages me to follow through.
I offer specific help. When I'm in survival mode, I sometimes halfheartedly tell friends to "let me know" if they need help. Rarely will they take me up on that, since it's such a vague offer. But they know I mean it when I say, "I'm going to the store tomorrow. Can I bring you back eggs or milk?"
Bedtime is relaxing. I get in bed early enough to read before turning off the light, and guilt over unfinished tasks doesn't nag me. I give myself time to wind down by getting under the covers as close as possible to my target time.
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Give yourself grace to operate in survival mode and don't feel guilty if that's where you need to be right now.
When you're ready, consider if you've camped out in survival mode. What does crisis mode look like for you? What would operating in a healthy routine during this time look like?
I've accepted that I'll spend periods of time just keeping my head above water. It's a normal part of expat life. I've found I also need a reminder to shift out of survival mode; otherwise I get stalled there. And that doesn't help me thrive overseas.
Are you in survival mode? What would living intentionally look like for you right now? When did you make the switch from surviving to thriving after moving abroad?
