8 Rules of Transition
“I find that being honest about where you are in the transition can open the door to many genuine friendships.”
I have moved to a third new country in seven years (and that’s not counting all the moves back and forth to my passport country.) Your story is probably similar if you are reading this blog, and let’s be honest, it is exhausting. Besides the logical nightmare of moving countries, there is the emotional nightmare of finding your place and your meaning again.
During the previous moves and other life transitions I started to compile a mental list of rules to help me with the transition. These rules, silly and serious, have helped me settle into life in a new host country, and I hope some of them resonate with you as well.
Don’t question if you made the wrong decision or if your life has any meaning for at least two months:
One of the hardest things about moving is committing to a place as “home” before it feels like home. This predicament can leave you floundering and wondering if this place will ever be home. In every move, I find myself with no sense of place as I struggle to find a new daily rhythm of belonging and purpose. Keep telling yourself it will come. Belonging and purpose will find you again and, in the meantime, don’t ask yourself any cosmic life questions. Just don’t go there.
Try one new thing a week:
All the “new” can be overwhelming and I have to take it in bite size pieces. The biggest difference for me in this previous move was that I am pregnant with a one-year-old. Without children it is easier to get out and try new things. Well, I shouldn’t say easier, but less complicated. In previous moves I would just get out and start exploring the town, but there were logical challenges to that approach with a toddler and morning sickness. I found myself overwhelmed with driving, finding an OBGYN, making new friends; and, the list goes on. I tend to try and do it all at once and then feel like a failure that I can’t get more done. This move, I made my goals manageable and yet still stretched myself to accomplish a new thing, task, or to venture into a new relationship weekly.
Make a list of what is holding you back:
In the last three moves overseas, I heard myself using the word “stuck” a lot to describe my mental and emotional state. I used the word a lot because I felt stuck and helpless to do much about it. I needed to buy things, fix things, or find things, but I found myself not able to get over various barriers. What did help me was to break down what was holding me back. Not driving was a big one, because there were so many things I couldn’t do or find without driving. Not having good help with my child was another barrier because I couldn’t go to a doctor’s appointment if I didn’t have someone to leave her with. Not having a bank account was making payments complicated. Things like this went to the top of my list to tackle and figure out. I was so scared of driving in this country and the day I finally tackled it by getting behind the wheel, a lot of the stuck feelings started to disappear. What is keeping you feeling “stuck”?
Find a creative outlet to fill the time:
There will be a lot more down time until you find meaning and purpose again. Writing and cooking have carried me through many a move and helped me process the struggle. Cooking in a new country is always a challenge, a necessary thing, and something that brings a sense of “home” even in the most desolate place. The first morning that I am able to make pancakes for my family in a new country seems symbolic—I have found the ingredients to make something simple from our culture.
Don’t race around trying to find meaning:
Sit back and wait for it to find you again. It can be tempting to fill your schedule up with any opportunity that comes your way to meet new people and get to know the country you are in. Generally, getting out there is a good decision but in previous moves I have run around like a crazy lady having lunch dates and filling up my schedule. Months down the road, I was over committed and didn’t have room for the people or things that came my way that were more suited to who I am.
Do the easiest thing:
One thing we really made the mistake of doing this move was taking on too much. Our plan was to move to the capital city and then figure out if we should relocate closer to my husband’s work, since he traveled every week. We spent three months going back and forth, weighing the pros and cons of staying in the capital verses moving to a smaller city. We way over-complicated the situation, especially with another baby on the way. Vacillating over the decision really delayed us from being able to settle into where we were. We should have cut all the other questions we were asking and just gotten back to the basics. A move is already stressful and hard and sometimes you just need to do something easy. It was easiest for us to just stay where we were instead of trying to settle somewhere else. I am so glad we stepped back and didn’t attempt another move, I just wish we had figured it out sooner.
Be humble about where you are:
I find that being honest about where you are in the transition can open the door to many genuine friendships. Being honest can also help you see who isn’t a good fit for friendship. People that relate and are also honest are my kind of people. People that give me advice or make their transition sound so easy are probably not going to be a good fit for me.
Be kind to yourself:
I would suggest a hot bath and essential oils, but most of you probably don’t have a proper bath in your host country. All I have got is a plastic basin, which I have definitely tried to squeeze into a time or two, but it’s not the same experience. So maybe not a bath, but find other ways to be kind to yourself. What does your self-talk sound like? Are you being hard on yourself or speaking with grace? You don’t have to be strong all the time, sometimes you can just take a nap and deal with it when you wake up.
I am seven months into my most recent move. There were some really hard days—days where I thought leaving was a good idea. In two weeks, I am heading back to my passport country to give birth. Though I am very excited to see my family, I will be sad to leave my home and friends here in this new host country. It’s been a slow process but by reminding myself of the tips listed above, I have my footing, and I am making a “home.”
Wherever you are in transition, I know that settled-ness will find you again.
